this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
