508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize