Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
