you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize