He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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