True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
