She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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