Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
