Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
A bitchslap is in order.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
