when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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