You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
