Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
