apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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