OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Less talking, more tequila
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
