Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize