I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
that's an acceptable place to lick
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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