he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
