Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
