do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
