I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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