I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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