Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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