one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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