I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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