you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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