I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
