I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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