I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize