can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
