My cat gives me a boner
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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