so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
