Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This house was built for laser tag.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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