My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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