Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
