I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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