When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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