He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
