dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize