I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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