I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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