I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
