got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
