You just made me feel so damn special
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
