why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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