3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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