I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
kristin has been a bad kristin
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
