I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
