I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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