the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
