You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
