I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
