Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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