Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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