Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
