My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
