david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
