Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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