i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
high people should be assigned attendants
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
