put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
