I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
