I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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