he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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